Jacque & Carlos

The ever-loyal Funky was curious about my response to Bleacher Bums booing Jacque Jones yesterday. Funky is against. My take is a bit different. Jones came here for more money, pure and simple. So any complaint he has about loyalty is suspect to begin with. Add in the fact that Cubs fans come through the turnstiles to the tune of more than 3+ million a year -- no mean feat given the fact that Wrigley seats barely 40,000 and the Cubs haven't even sniffed a Series since 1945 and I'm almost ready to boo Jones myself. The real kicker, however, is his performance merited a verbal butt-kicking. Twice, not once, but twice, the batter in front of him (Matt Murton) walked on four straight pitches. What does Jones, who is in a slump, do? He swings at the first pitch both times, and pops out. So long as the fans weren't using profanity or calling out Jones' family members, I'm fine with the boos. Jones also made things worse by waiting until after the game, after he had hit the game winning homerun (which fans gave him his props for) to call out Cubs fans. Why in the world would you moan about it after you won the game? He's asking to be booed now.

The other dunce of the game, is Carlos Zambrano, who is lucky he didn't end up on the DL with splinters after breaking a bat over his leg after whiffing. What is he, 10? Many fans like his shows of emotion, arguing that he feeds off his antics. The problem is, when things are going lousy, he loses focus and acts unprofessionally. , by doing things like showing up his teamates. And we true blue fans wonder why we're reaching a Century of Futility?

And the Suffering Continues...

Derek Lee, Cubs star first baseman will be out 8-10 weeks with two broken bones in his wrist after colliding with Rafael Furcal in a game last night. Not good Cubs fans...

My Other Favorite TV Attorney, Lionel Hutz

Strangely enough, Phil Hartman was both Lionel Hutz and and Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer...

Love the Simpsons -- which is where these quotes come from...

Pfft. Doctors. Doctors are idiots! There is no telling what type of permanent injuries he might have. You might have to wait on him hand and foot for the rest of his natural life. That's the down side. Now here is the good part. You can ching ching ching cash in on this tragedy.

Mr. Simpson, the state bar forbids me from promising you a big cash settlement. But just between you and me, I promise you a big cash settlement.

Lionel Hutz, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you on the charge of... Murder One! Wow! Even if I lose, I'll be famous!

Judge: Case dismissed!
Hutz: Your Honor... Do I still get paid?

Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film, "The Never-Ending Story".
Homer: So. Do you think I have a case?
Hutz: Homer, I don't use the word "hero" very often, but you are the greatest hero in American history.

Hutz: Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I - uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me, since I accidently ran over his dog. Actually, replace `accidently' with `repeatedly', and replace `dog' with `son'.


Bart: Mr. Hutz when I grow up I want to be a lawyer just like you.
Hutz: Good for you, son. If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers. Can you imagine a world without lawyers?

Hutz: I move for a bad court thingy.
Judge: You mean a mistrial?
Hutz: Right!! That's why you're the judge and I'm the law-talking guy.
Judge: You mean the lawyer?
Hutz: Right.

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

In a nod to Jeff C-Win, as well as my chosen profession, I give you Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, from Saturday Night Live

"He used to be a caveman,
but now he's a lawyer.
Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer!"

Transcript 1
Transcript 2

"Your world frightens and confuses me! Sometimes the honking horns of your traffic make me want to get out of my BMW.. and run off into the hills, or wherever.. Sometimes when I get a message on my fax machine, I wonder: "Did little demons get inside and type it?" I don't know! My primitive mind can't grasp these concepts. But there is one thing I do know - when a man like my client slips and falls on a sidewalk in front of a public library, then he is entitled to no less than two million in compensatory damages, and two million in punitive damages. Thank you."

Even the Onion Has a Bead on the Cubs

Check out this article on the Cubs from America's Finest News Source, The Onion, titled, "Dusty Baker Not Worried About Cubs' Hot Start". Here's a "quote" from Dusty in the article, "The guys are in a bit of a groove right now, but they'll snap out of it," Baker said. "It's early yet. There's still plenty of time to get back off track and give the fans the kind of season they've come to know and expect."

Play Ball!

Cubs rolled the Reds today, 16-7. While Carlos Zambrano's control was shaky, the hitters were bashing the ball, and doing the little things like sacrificing, bunt(!) hits, and running the bases well. 1-0 after 1. Come on Woody and Prior!

Hope Springs Eternal

Cubs broke camp yesterday with a winning spring training record, which past history suggests is an indicator that they will finish above .500. Not gonna predict playoffs, but I will say they'll be competitive -- probably 83-79 this year, better if they get 50-60 starts from Woody and Prior. They've got a lot to prove after the Sox won it all last year, and they're flying under the radar again after crazy predictions of World Series glory the past couple of years. Here's hoping, although I predict we'll be through 98 years of futility after the season.

Take the Money and Run

Check out this one. Soccer refs in Nigeria have been told it's cool for them to take bribes, but to be fair anyway. Yeah. This'll work. Like the Edsel. I particularly like the quote, "Referees should only pretend to fall for the bait, but make sure the result doesn't favor those offering the bribe."

Funky

To answer J C-win's ?, Funky is Paul, a good friend of mine from high school, who now resides with his wife in the great state of Minnesota, which allows him to be a double threat to the hated White Sox -- a Cubs fan and a Twins fan...

Another Reason I Don't Like Cats

Have you heard this one, about Lewis, the insane Connecticut bushwacking house cat? Animal control officials in Connecticut have issued a restraining order against the cat for stealth attacks on neighbors, friends and even the Avon Lady (well, she at least probably had it coming). Seems to be a bit o' species discrimination going on. If this was a dog, it would have been destroyed. But because cats have a higher proportion of equally insane owners (you never hear about the crazy old lady with 100 dogs, do you?), the cat gets off with a questionably enforceable rap. And Lady Justice weeps...

Bracketology Update

Man is it ugly in my NCAA brackets. The annual ritual of tearing them up while cursing under my breath (only mildly) lasted a little longer into the tournament this year, but I, like a lot of other March Madness-keteers, owe our pain (and some joy) to George Mason for knocking out prohibitive favorite U Conn. Speaking as a true Cubs fan -- there's always next year!

Cool It Now!

In a nod to Jeff C-win -- they're back, or should I say, Bobby is back! Mr. Telephone Man, is there something wrong with my line? Not at all baby, New Edition to re-unite for one night only. !

And the Slope Gets Slipperier

Not a good day concerning Iraq. The Administration finally copped to the obvious -- that U.S. forces will be in Iraq past the end of the Bush Administration, with no end in sight.

Personal Responsibility?

Whatever happened to the idea that people should be held accountable for their actions? All indications are that plaintiffs' attorneys are ready to launch a full-out attack on the fast food industry, blaming Mickey D's among others, for the fattening of America. Can't we just say no? I've got some chunk to me, but that's my fault -- it's my enjoyment of all things sweet and relative lack of exercise that has made me delightfully love-handlely, not the fast food or sweet snack industry. Certainly, if there's some element of fraud, or danger, such as McDonald's only recently disclosing that its fries contain wheat and milk (allergens to many) as well as being wrong in its caloric count -- it's reasonable for consumers to rely on such information from providers. But for people to say that they are obese because they have a proclivity for Big Macs and somehow didn't know Big Macs were bad for them -- that's like smoking -- at some point, it's just not reasonable. Here's hoping that the courts recognize the difference, and refuse to allow the system to be abused by potentially frivolous claims.

R.I.P Coach Ray

Former DePaul University Basketball coach Ray Meyer died at 92 today. Coach Ray presided over the golden age of DePaul hoops, and coached George Mikan, Mark Aguirre, Dave Corzine and Terry Cummings among others. DePaul made the Final Four in 1979 under Coach Ray and was ranked No. 1 for a number of weeks in the late 70s and early 80s, only to disappoint with early NCAA exits. He was a class act, and I had the privilege of attending his basketball camp as an 8th grader. He loved kids, loved to coach and was a great teacher. Godspeed.

98 Years, Soon to Be 99

So let's take stock of the Cubs halfway through spring training. Kerry Wood -- rehabbing his shoulder and knee. Derrick Lee -- sore shoulder requiring a visit to a specialist. Mark Prior -- shoulder "stiffness" sounding strangely similar to last year's elbow "stiffness" which cost him the first month of the season. I feel like the Job of baseball cheering for these guys...

It's Time

My favorite event of the sporting year approaches -- March Madness, the Big Dance, the NCAAs. Particularly awesome are this Thursday and Friday, with 16 games each day, 12 straight hours of non-stop thrills and bracket bustin' goodness. I'm certain I'm not alone when I say these two days should be a national holiday. I can hardly wait to fill out multiple brackets!

Spring Is In The Air

Got spring fever here in Chicagoland -- the mercury has cracked 50 the past few days and it's pushing past 60 today -- we'll have another few days of this before we plunge back into the 30s. The first days of 50+ weather are always superb -- it seems like 70s after being stuck inside for so long. It's amazing what weather like this can do for your morale after the long winter -- I'm ready for baseball, shorts, and hanging out outside with the family and our neighbors.

Whither Das Cubs?

It's been real quiet out in Arizona, which may be a good thing after all of the whispering and hand wringing about Kerry Wood and Mark Prior. Woody appears to be set to start putting pressure on his cleaned up knee, and Prior is set to throw in a Cactus League game next week. Still, as a Cub fan, I'm fully expecting Wood's arm to fall off about 1-2 starts into the season, and for Prior to get hit by something about 5-6 starts into the season. It's probably a good thing that the Cubs have such trouble winning, as a I believe it was Nostradamus who made the following prophecy:

When the little bears from the windy place raise the flag of triumph, know ye that the end of days come.

Time Running Out for Ex-Governor?

I've been following former governor George Ryan's trial with much interest. Closing arguments are scheduled to end tomorrow and the it will be interesting to see what the jury does with the evidence. The federal government has produced a case largely based on circumstantial evidence -- but the circumstances are pretty damning -- less than $7,000 in bank withdrawals over his time in the governor's mansion -- strange for a man who loved the high life, sweetheart deals with political allies, probable fundraising violations, thwarted ethical investigations and the coup de grace, what Ryan knew about the bribes for licenses scandal that played a part in the fiery death of a minister's children (though rhis has been glossed over so as not to inflame the jury). Ryan's defense team has pounded on the fact that the governor has been unfairly and maliciously persecuted by the government that the circumstances of the disputed events, while seemingly damning, are in fact merely coincidental, and that the governor is in fact a man of high character, evidenced by his freeze on the death penalty in Illinois shortly before his term of office ended.

I think he's guilty. I find it impossible to believe that a man who not only survived, but thrived in the world of Illinois politics for 40 years was a mere dupe of his benefactors and political allies. Guilty or not, it's unfortunate that his legacy will be one of corruption instead of taking a necessary stand on the death penalty.