Jacque & Carlos

The ever-loyal Funky was curious about my response to Bleacher Bums booing Jacque Jones yesterday. Funky is against. My take is a bit different. Jones came here for more money, pure and simple. So any complaint he has about loyalty is suspect to begin with. Add in the fact that Cubs fans come through the turnstiles to the tune of more than 3+ million a year -- no mean feat given the fact that Wrigley seats barely 40,000 and the Cubs haven't even sniffed a Series since 1945 and I'm almost ready to boo Jones myself. The real kicker, however, is his performance merited a verbal butt-kicking. Twice, not once, but twice, the batter in front of him (Matt Murton) walked on four straight pitches. What does Jones, who is in a slump, do? He swings at the first pitch both times, and pops out. So long as the fans weren't using profanity or calling out Jones' family members, I'm fine with the boos. Jones also made things worse by waiting until after the game, after he had hit the game winning homerun (which fans gave him his props for) to call out Cubs fans. Why in the world would you moan about it after you won the game? He's asking to be booed now.

The other dunce of the game, is Carlos Zambrano, who is lucky he didn't end up on the DL with splinters after breaking a bat over his leg after whiffing. What is he, 10? Many fans like his shows of emotion, arguing that he feeds off his antics. The problem is, when things are going lousy, he loses focus and acts unprofessionally. , by doing things like showing up his teamates. And we true blue fans wonder why we're reaching a Century of Futility?

And the Suffering Continues...

Derek Lee, Cubs star first baseman will be out 8-10 weeks with two broken bones in his wrist after colliding with Rafael Furcal in a game last night. Not good Cubs fans...

My Other Favorite TV Attorney, Lionel Hutz

Strangely enough, Phil Hartman was both Lionel Hutz and and Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer...

Love the Simpsons -- which is where these quotes come from...

Pfft. Doctors. Doctors are idiots! There is no telling what type of permanent injuries he might have. You might have to wait on him hand and foot for the rest of his natural life. That's the down side. Now here is the good part. You can ching ching ching cash in on this tragedy.

Mr. Simpson, the state bar forbids me from promising you a big cash settlement. But just between you and me, I promise you a big cash settlement.

Lionel Hutz, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you on the charge of... Murder One! Wow! Even if I lose, I'll be famous!

Judge: Case dismissed!
Hutz: Your Honor... Do I still get paid?

Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film, "The Never-Ending Story".
Homer: So. Do you think I have a case?
Hutz: Homer, I don't use the word "hero" very often, but you are the greatest hero in American history.

Hutz: Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I - uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me, since I accidently ran over his dog. Actually, replace `accidently' with `repeatedly', and replace `dog' with `son'.


Bart: Mr. Hutz when I grow up I want to be a lawyer just like you.
Hutz: Good for you, son. If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers. Can you imagine a world without lawyers?

Hutz: I move for a bad court thingy.
Judge: You mean a mistrial?
Hutz: Right!! That's why you're the judge and I'm the law-talking guy.
Judge: You mean the lawyer?
Hutz: Right.

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

In a nod to Jeff C-Win, as well as my chosen profession, I give you Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, from Saturday Night Live

"He used to be a caveman,
but now he's a lawyer.
Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer!"

Transcript 1
Transcript 2

"Your world frightens and confuses me! Sometimes the honking horns of your traffic make me want to get out of my BMW.. and run off into the hills, or wherever.. Sometimes when I get a message on my fax machine, I wonder: "Did little demons get inside and type it?" I don't know! My primitive mind can't grasp these concepts. But there is one thing I do know - when a man like my client slips and falls on a sidewalk in front of a public library, then he is entitled to no less than two million in compensatory damages, and two million in punitive damages. Thank you."

Even the Onion Has a Bead on the Cubs

Check out this article on the Cubs from America's Finest News Source, The Onion, titled, "Dusty Baker Not Worried About Cubs' Hot Start". Here's a "quote" from Dusty in the article, "The guys are in a bit of a groove right now, but they'll snap out of it," Baker said. "It's early yet. There's still plenty of time to get back off track and give the fans the kind of season they've come to know and expect."

Play Ball!

Cubs rolled the Reds today, 16-7. While Carlos Zambrano's control was shaky, the hitters were bashing the ball, and doing the little things like sacrificing, bunt(!) hits, and running the bases well. 1-0 after 1. Come on Woody and Prior!

Hope Springs Eternal

Cubs broke camp yesterday with a winning spring training record, which past history suggests is an indicator that they will finish above .500. Not gonna predict playoffs, but I will say they'll be competitive -- probably 83-79 this year, better if they get 50-60 starts from Woody and Prior. They've got a lot to prove after the Sox won it all last year, and they're flying under the radar again after crazy predictions of World Series glory the past couple of years. Here's hoping, although I predict we'll be through 98 years of futility after the season.